imbecile artist. struggled and learned life the hard way. that's why i write or draw what the tortuous of fraudulent and deceitful life taught me.
Life really has its own way of distorting things and it will really surprise you in the most unexpected time of your life. The time when no one will save your ass. I have my own concept of reality but i didn’t notice that i was so drown in believing that it is still reality.
It was all an illusion. A very fascinating illusion.
I should have known better.
life is a one big battlefield. sometimes it’s between what you know and what you feel. sometimes it’s about the timing between making friends and solving a problem. sometimes it’s even you against yourself or you against the whole world.
But in this battlefield, you have to know your fights.
i was born to be a little bit bitchy, I’m actually weird and i’m okay with that. on the scale from 1-10, 60. i broke the scale. But at least, from now on, I’ve learned to pick my battles. know what’s fighting for and what’s a waste of time. just because a conflict grab and suck you up, doesn’t mean it’s your fight. Find out what’s worth it.
and If people treats you like a sh*t, just remember that there’s something wrong with them. not you. because normal people don’t go around destroying other human beings.
that’s what i learn. straight from a mother’s mouth.
I was always that “pa easy-easy” kid who never took anything seriously but i never thought that the outcome of that action is regret. this is why i hate being so attached to anybody. i hate how they were able to go through my soul and took piece of my heart.
He left to Canada and left an envelope for me. the intro be like “To my girl best friend who doesn’t like to wear a skirt” wth. i was laughing and sobbing inconsolably. i’m going to miss him and i’m so mad at myself and the weather because we never had the chance to say goodbye and it hurts like F!
i wish him every happiness that he clearly deserve. i missed the chance to thank him for the damn great adventure. there’s so much to say and i hope he’ll figure out the way of living there. there’s a million ways to reach me and you know that!
LESSON LEARNED: nothing is “good” in goodbye but it hurts even more when you never really had the chance to say it and everything was just left unsaid. I was really shattered and devastated.
The hands of the clock was never on my side.and it’s just… heartbreaking.
sometimes i wonder if this is really my field. am i really cut out for this? or was i meant for other things? all i know is i’m not that kid who’s meant to do GREAT things but i don’t care. I just want to find out.
"things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they’re right" it’s just a loop that will slow you down but what if it’s not? maybe it is a sign slapping you straightly and telling you to stop already. am i the only one making myself believe that this is all for me? or maybe I’m just relentlessly grabbing everything.
sometimes, you’ll get sick of saying that everything will turn out alright and still, there are certain names that will always taste like regret and stomach acid in my tongue. memories is all i have and all i can do is hold on to it. my melancholy is the most faithful sweet heart i got. i felt like everyone is just waiting for me to screw up and stare down at me like i’m the most stupid human being on earth. and living is no different from dying. i felt like i’m different and everyone else is the same and difference matter.
then the only answer i saw is to travel. I’m not going to die without seeing the world and i don’t care if i have to do it barefoot.
to trust is hard so i dare myself to meet different people and learn to trust them with all my guts. there will always be a greater or lesser person than yourself but the most wear out phrase means a lot. like, “learn to listen more” because small people, the ones who have diff culture and traditions, black and white, even the imbeciles like me and the ignorant have their own stories too.from now on, i’ll stop counting how many blood-stained tissues i’ve used but the memories.
for a moment, i’m going to put my pencil down and try something else.
i’m going to explore my life not to find myself but to know who i really am since the beginning. i can finally stop trying to become what i already am. i’ll keep moving forward and nothing’s going to stop me. nothing.